I can definitely corroborate the “what do you do with your circumstances?” perspective. As a cancer survivor, my life has changed in so many ways, and reframing the perspective of things I can’t do into a focus on the things I CAN do with my circumstances, like patient advocacy, speaking engagements, volunteering, making connections in the cancer community to help people feel less alone. I can still write. I can still laugh with friends. I can choose gratitude and begin my day by appreciating that I’m still here. It’s easier said than done, and I DEFINITELY have bad days.
Social psychology supports the notion that people are significantly impacted by their environment, or life circumstances. We often don’t have control over these factors, but we can choose how to react.
Also, I understand and empathize with reactions to trauma, and recognize that there are exceptions to every rule.
Even then, however, we can choose to sit and fester in the trauma, or to learn how to dig into it and get to know yourself again. I personally vouch for the latter. Sometimes I journal a list of my accomplishments, so I have something tangible to reach for when my morale is low.
I love this so much Sophia, truly. Sometimes I say, "we aren't to blame, but we are responsible." It's not fair AT ALL! I'm not to blame for my childhood and sometimes I get really upset about how "unfair" it was but then I recognize *the reality* which is...now it's my responsibility unless I want to be controlled by it for all of time. So it's kind of a "both/and" situation in my mind. Thank you for sharing your story both here and when we discussed. I think you have done something incredibly difficult, something I only hope I would do, which is take in something so clearly not your "fault," "own it" and flourish. I love this in particular, "Even then, however, we can choose to sit and fester in the trauma, or to learn how to dig into it and get to know yourself again. I personally vouch for the latter. Sometimes I journal a list of my accomplishments, so I have something tangible to reach for when my morale is low." You are walking the walk, sister. So I've met you on this path!
Deserve is an interesting one. I’d never say I “didn’t or do” deserve something, I have always carried a gratitude attitude toward the things I did have. Unfortunately as I got older the trauma continued and I noticed myself expressing things like “I really didn’t deserve that” when someone would say something of that sort. Now that I have grown from the experience, I truly see the gratitude I have for that horrible experience, because the things that came from it, were far more valuable than the trauma. I carry so much gratitude with me daily as I’ve aged, even with the pain I handle in my body, daily with chronic illnesses. I choose to do so because I am worthy of everything I dream of, not because I do or deserve them 🩵
It's so interesting when we think about "deserve" in relation to trauma. I'll just think about my personal example. Did I "deserve" a shitty ass childhood? F*CK NO! But is it the reality of what happened? Also, yes. So, I have to do something with the hand I was dealt. I think it's really important to recognize we don't deserve misfortune - and - it's real so we have do deal with it. It's beautiful you have found gratitude in your experience (and research would back up that that's a very healthy way to live!). But I think it's a two-step deal - 1) you realize you don't deserve misfortune - no one does. And 2) you say, "well, it's mine, so I'm going to make something of it." That's how I see it anyways 💖 thank you for being here, thank you for your thoughtful comment, and thank you for being an example of what it means to fully live
I’m so here for this. I only use “deserve” to beat myself or feel sorry for myself. I’m either feeling like I don’t deserve something good or thinking I deserve something (which just makes me loathe myself because it feels so entitled 🤮). It’s really not getting me anywhere useful.
And that's the key here "is it useful?" Like if "deserve" was a useful paradigm, I'd be about it ALL day long. But it's not. One trick I wrote in the comment above - I do think it's a two step deal. 1) For SURE I didn't deserve a bad childhood or to be burglarized - I have to KNOW that - which I didn't always. and then 2) Now what do I do with reality?
I can definitely corroborate the “what do you do with your circumstances?” perspective. As a cancer survivor, my life has changed in so many ways, and reframing the perspective of things I can’t do into a focus on the things I CAN do with my circumstances, like patient advocacy, speaking engagements, volunteering, making connections in the cancer community to help people feel less alone. I can still write. I can still laugh with friends. I can choose gratitude and begin my day by appreciating that I’m still here. It’s easier said than done, and I DEFINITELY have bad days.
Social psychology supports the notion that people are significantly impacted by their environment, or life circumstances. We often don’t have control over these factors, but we can choose how to react.
Also, I understand and empathize with reactions to trauma, and recognize that there are exceptions to every rule.
Even then, however, we can choose to sit and fester in the trauma, or to learn how to dig into it and get to know yourself again. I personally vouch for the latter. Sometimes I journal a list of my accomplishments, so I have something tangible to reach for when my morale is low.
I love this so much Sophia, truly. Sometimes I say, "we aren't to blame, but we are responsible." It's not fair AT ALL! I'm not to blame for my childhood and sometimes I get really upset about how "unfair" it was but then I recognize *the reality* which is...now it's my responsibility unless I want to be controlled by it for all of time. So it's kind of a "both/and" situation in my mind. Thank you for sharing your story both here and when we discussed. I think you have done something incredibly difficult, something I only hope I would do, which is take in something so clearly not your "fault," "own it" and flourish. I love this in particular, "Even then, however, we can choose to sit and fester in the trauma, or to learn how to dig into it and get to know yourself again. I personally vouch for the latter. Sometimes I journal a list of my accomplishments, so I have something tangible to reach for when my morale is low." You are walking the walk, sister. So I've met you on this path!
Deserve is an interesting one. I’d never say I “didn’t or do” deserve something, I have always carried a gratitude attitude toward the things I did have. Unfortunately as I got older the trauma continued and I noticed myself expressing things like “I really didn’t deserve that” when someone would say something of that sort. Now that I have grown from the experience, I truly see the gratitude I have for that horrible experience, because the things that came from it, were far more valuable than the trauma. I carry so much gratitude with me daily as I’ve aged, even with the pain I handle in my body, daily with chronic illnesses. I choose to do so because I am worthy of everything I dream of, not because I do or deserve them 🩵
It's so interesting when we think about "deserve" in relation to trauma. I'll just think about my personal example. Did I "deserve" a shitty ass childhood? F*CK NO! But is it the reality of what happened? Also, yes. So, I have to do something with the hand I was dealt. I think it's really important to recognize we don't deserve misfortune - and - it's real so we have do deal with it. It's beautiful you have found gratitude in your experience (and research would back up that that's a very healthy way to live!). But I think it's a two-step deal - 1) you realize you don't deserve misfortune - no one does. And 2) you say, "well, it's mine, so I'm going to make something of it." That's how I see it anyways 💖 thank you for being here, thank you for your thoughtful comment, and thank you for being an example of what it means to fully live
Thank YOU for sharing your story and life experiences with the whole world, this community you’ve built is truly inspiring. 🩵
i second this hot take 🫢
thank you, friend!
I’m so here for this. I only use “deserve” to beat myself or feel sorry for myself. I’m either feeling like I don’t deserve something good or thinking I deserve something (which just makes me loathe myself because it feels so entitled 🤮). It’s really not getting me anywhere useful.
And that's the key here "is it useful?" Like if "deserve" was a useful paradigm, I'd be about it ALL day long. But it's not. One trick I wrote in the comment above - I do think it's a two step deal. 1) For SURE I didn't deserve a bad childhood or to be burglarized - I have to KNOW that - which I didn't always. and then 2) Now what do I do with reality?