The 1 Word You Need to Stop Using (And What to use Instead)
This sneaky word sounds empowering but actually traps you in a cycle of guilt and self-doubt
Hi Friends!
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The 1 Word You Need to Stop Using (And What to use Instead)
Let me set the scene: I was working with one of my long-time coaching clients the other day. She's hard working, smart, kind, ORIGINAL AF, and very successful in what she does.
And yet...she was having trouble accepting that maybe, just maybe, she can enjoy some of her success. The problem for her is that she doesn't feel like she "deserves it." She told me (and agreed that I could tell you) exactly how she feels:
“Part of me feels like I've probably had enough success already that I didn't really deserve and that if I were really a good person, I wouldn't be trying to get more.”
This got me on one of my favorite soap boxes of all: it's time we ditch the word "deserve." It's straight up NOT helpful and doesn't even make that much sense.
The Invisible Courtroom
I think "deserve" is one of those sneaky words that sounds empowering but can actually trap us in a weird, invisible courtroom where we're continually arguing our case to an imaginary judge.
"Do I deserve love?" "Do I deserve success?" "Do I deserve rest if I didn't cross off every box today?" We plead.
The only problem is we are our own judges, and since we don't really know the answer, we sentence ourselves to a lifetime of living in a liminal space between working hard to achieve while simultaneously feeling guilty for what we have. And it’s PAINFUL to feel that way.
"Deserves" has its own exhausting morality math that never quite adds up.
The Universe Doesn't Care About Your Merit Badge
Honestly? The universe doesn't operate on a deserve-based economy.
Babies get cancer. Jerks get book deals with advances that make you want to bang your head against the wall (not that I have a personal opinion on this...).
We all know people who have worked their asses off and still can't catch a break—and others who stumble into opportunities and somehow fail UPWARDS like they're Big Head in Silicon Valley or my office nemesis we will just call J. J was CLEARLY the least valuable player on our team with a rage problem to boot and yet…he is one of the most “successful” people I know 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
But let me ask you do this: Do any of us really deserve for anything to work out?
Or are we so damn lucky when it does? Does any of us really deserve when shit hits the fan? Not really, and it's cruel to blame ourselves.
It feels wrong to me to take full credit for the good things and the bad.
I don't like using the word "deserve" for anything beyond basic human rights. Respect, water, shelter, freedom, justice, etc, the basics - YES YES YES, we ALL DESERVE BECAUSE WE WERE BORM. But beyond that? In my experience, life is some blend of effort, timing, grace, and...well...randomness, misfortune, and grief.
Better Questions to Ask Yourself
I think what matters a hell of a lot more than "deserves" is: what do you do with your circumstances?
Do you work hard to make the most of them? Do you grab them by the horns and express utter gratitude for when things go right? Do you lick your wounds when things go terribly wrong and figure out what to do next without castigating yourself as someone who "deserved" misfortune? Are you creating the conditions where good things can happen—even if they're not guaranteed?
I think all of these questions are FAR healthier and take you beyond the paradigm of deserving or not.
A Post-Deserving World
I say ditch the deserving and focus on gratitude for what we have, the hard work to go further, and the knowledge that tragedy might happen no matter what.
In a post-deserving world, maybe we can enjoy the good things while we have them and let go of the self-blame when they go awry. We just know: life be life-ing.
In my paid journaling community we’re going to work through our 'deserve' issues in real-time. If that sounds good to you (and why wouldn’t it?!) please join me there and help support this newsletter :)
What's your relationship with the word "deserve"?
I love debating these topics and furthering our understanding. What did I get wrong? Do you have a defense of “deserve?” Or do you emphatically agree? I read and reply to every single comment.
I can definitely corroborate the “what do you do with your circumstances?” perspective. As a cancer survivor, my life has changed in so many ways, and reframing the perspective of things I can’t do into a focus on the things I CAN do with my circumstances, like patient advocacy, speaking engagements, volunteering, making connections in the cancer community to help people feel less alone. I can still write. I can still laugh with friends. I can choose gratitude and begin my day by appreciating that I’m still here. It’s easier said than done, and I DEFINITELY have bad days.
Social psychology supports the notion that people are significantly impacted by their environment, or life circumstances. We often don’t have control over these factors, but we can choose how to react.
Also, I understand and empathize with reactions to trauma, and recognize that there are exceptions to every rule.
Even then, however, we can choose to sit and fester in the trauma, or to learn how to dig into it and get to know yourself again. I personally vouch for the latter. Sometimes I journal a list of my accomplishments, so I have something tangible to reach for when my morale is low.
Deserve is an interesting one. I’d never say I “didn’t or do” deserve something, I have always carried a gratitude attitude toward the things I did have. Unfortunately as I got older the trauma continued and I noticed myself expressing things like “I really didn’t deserve that” when someone would say something of that sort. Now that I have grown from the experience, I truly see the gratitude I have for that horrible experience, because the things that came from it, were far more valuable than the trauma. I carry so much gratitude with me daily as I’ve aged, even with the pain I handle in my body, daily with chronic illnesses. I choose to do so because I am worthy of everything I dream of, not because I do or deserve them 🩵