Oh my god. I SO needed to read this today, you have no idea!
So I'm currently dating this ah-mazing guy (fellow writer, fellow ghost hunter, funny as hell, treats me like a queen, you get the idea). Only bruise on the apple is that he smokes (trying to cut down, for me -- see what I mean?). I sent him a reel from a comedian who did a whole thing on "why do you smoke cigarettes", and ... Boyfriend got twitchy about it. He said, "That crosses the line into nagging." I apologized. His response (over text)? "Mm." So now I'm driving myself a bit mad, second-guessing myself like crazy, and wondering what our evening together is going to be like. I'm sure it'll be fine, because he is NOT my shitty ex, but I still feel terrible for making him mad or annoying him or whatever I did. (Oh, and the icing on the crap cupcake? Sort of? I finally filed the divorce papers this week, and it hit me in the shower this morning. I shrugged it off, let it run down the drain, but still. Maybe I shouldn't be so quick to be "over it", you know?) Anyway, thanks for listening, anyone who's taken the time to read this far. I appreciate you.
I appreciate you! How did it end up with him? The nagging thing is real. I’m always afraid I will go into “nah” territory - but in an honest and healthy relationship - he can just say “that’s too much” and I can say “I’m sorry, my intention was just that I care about you.” Like what I’m learning is that things don’t have to be so fraught! How did it go with him?
Well! It actually went really great! It's SO refreshing to be in a mature relationship now. Seriously. We had a long talk last night, and I told him that even though we'd patched things up that day, I had spent all day yesterday in a state of quiet agony. We talked it out, and long story short, we agreed to give each other grace. He explained to me how addictive smoking is, and I explained that I WAS just concerned about his health. We agreed that it's important to be able to talk things out BEFORE bad feelings fester. (And then -- TMI alert -- he took me to bed and lavished me with personal attention, and then said, "That's to prove to you that I'm not going anywhere, and that I really want to be with you." 😍) I had no idea it was possible to be this happy in a relationship.
I read the comments on this thread. I read one above that said they are in their 40s now and been married and divorced, engaged and not. My sunglasses moment is in it right now. I got the habits and trauma from my childhood, but then the same man I’m now married too is the one who caused more trauma. So I’m constantly getting those sunglasses moments now because he has reverted back to his old toxic ways after so long of not. I know that I can receive what I deserve, but it’s me deciding if the sunglass moments are worth working out again with that same person, or the unknown and not having to have those moments all the time, or repeated again. There IS someone out there that would be the person I need without always having the sunglasses moments with. It’s a tough battle because I’m also in a hell of a health battle.
Brooke my darling, this is a tough one. Have you had an honest conversation with him. Here’s a framing I like:
“Can you help me with something?”
“When you say X, it makes me feel y, which makes me think Z. How does that land with you?” Then I shut the eff up and wait for an answer. I like to come from a place of “can you help me” because people tend to want to help! If you didn’t want this advice and just wanted to be seen - then let me tell you - I see you my friend and I’m with you 💕💕💕
I appreciate the advice actually. 🩵 I hate to be the bearer of bad news 🗞️ but, we’re in almost FIVE years of therapy…. Consistent therapy…. I did the work and he fooled me with thinking he had too. Now it’s time for HIM to decide if he he’s going to grow up or not. I had my Saturn return and now 30, he turns 30 in July. He knows that if his behaviors haven’t started real change WITH consistent therapy, he will unfortunately find out how hard the Saturn return was..
5 years is tough…do you know about the “sunk cost fallacy” - where we think we put so much effort into something already we don’t want to give up? I think it might be time to ask yourself how much more of yourself you’re willing to put into this. Because you say it’s his choice - but it’s also yours.
I don’t have any energy left to give. I gave my all before I had even said yes to marrying the man and I intended to always to grow together, but after being blindsided by the reverting, and such, I absolutely have no energy to give. But I have a hard time with ending a marriage so fast, because “time” starts over when you get married. So less than a year married, 11 years in total. From teenagers to 30. 👀
I really appreciate this vulnerable insight to how we can move through fear. Walking on eggshells or waiting for the other shoe to drop creates SUCH a hyper-aware defensive way we can move through relationships.
This Century City Sunglasses Panic describes that constant undercurrent of my anxiety. 🙃 While I can conceptually understand the situation is different...deeper protective instinct take over. BUT when I am in my flowy glowy state...I can move past it and live in the moment WITHOUT the weight.
T$, I am all cheesing smiles that this guy recognizes how truly precious you are.
Love this Steph and love you! One thing that helps me in the moment is to notice the differences between then and now. For example, I’m not 25 any more, this guy has only given me data he cares about me, etc. but could be applied to anything! Example: this boss values me, they’ve never yelled, etc . Thank you for being YOU and here!
Soooo I am in a similar boat right now. I am in my 40s though. Married and divorced. Then met someone and was engaged. Ended poorly. I thought I’d never meet anyone. And then boom, I meet someone (now my GF) that is absolutely amazing. I believe we go through hell at times so that when we find a bit of heaven, we can truly appreciate it. I’m just taking it day by day.
Take it from the guy (me) that’s been through Hell … it happens to us too. Enjoy the ride with the “boyfriend” and have fun. It’s hard not to think about the past and how we’ve been hurt before. It seems like he is genuine.
He’s a keeper if he simply enjoys time with you. One lesson I learned - ASK your closest friends what they think … of him and your happiness.
Robert! I so so so appreciate you and love hearing from you! And it’s reassuring to know it happens to guys too. And I’m so happy you let us all know. I think men and women could be healed if they just knew that the opposite sex went through the same. I’m so grateful you’re hear - it brought good tears to my eyes 🥹🥹🥹
Keep up the great work, Tara. You are an inspiration. I absolutely loved reading Glow - I read it when I was in a pretty shady relationship with my ex-fiancé. It wasn’t awful by any means, but hindsight is the Devil …
I think so much comes down to communication. I really feel your post about the “boyfriend” as I’m in a similar situation. I was DONE with relationships. I’m in my 40s, have an ongoing nasty bitter custody battle of my daughter and a few other things lingering. And then Poof! I met the most amazing woman who’s also been through a lot courtesy of, well, jerks of the opposite sex.
We connect on an insanely deep level with a love I didn’t think was possible. It is scary because I’m just waiting for the shoe to drop.
Please keep us all informed on how things turn out. Maybe you’re writing the “how you know you’ve met the one” Hallmark novel 😃
Thank you for sharing your talents with us through your writings. It’s very much appreciated.
Wow, and thank YOU for letting me know you're here and for your thoughtful feedback. I want this newsletter to be a conversation - thank you for making it that!
I loved your book and most of the lifestyle habits you espouse. The constant bashing of the people you used to date is not appealing to me. You saw something in these people when you started to date them, they have good and bad qualities, it wasn't a good fit and yes, they had work to do (and don't we all). I rarely see you taking ownership of anything you were doing in any relationship that also wasn't healthy - including picking them! Maybe it's now your brand to keep saying stuff like this but I wish it would fade away as you continue to grow.
Hey there, thanks for your comment. Hm. Interesting. I wouldn’t consider it “bashing.” I dated some actually abusive, cruel people and I don’t think their actions are my responsibility. And. My life IS my responsibility. You’re right - I DID choose these people. You’re right I got myself into a lot of these situations. You’re right - I stayed with people who were not kind, that’s all me.
And now that I know better, I’m doing better. I use examples from my own life because my life has been oddly absurd and what I find from my playwriting/comedy background is that in the extremes - we see the universal. I’d like to be helpful to others. But I try to write with kindness towards all these people - I probably do a better job in the books because I have more room to write (try to keep it short in the newsletter.) anyways, I appreciate you’re here, I hear the comment, and the central message I’m trying to say with everything is that we all have the choice to be the heroes in our own stories. No matter what “happens,” it’s our responsibility to turn it into a story where we use our own agency to lead the lives we most want. I’m being a little tongue in cheek in these posts! Xoxo t$
Just want to say I love you take the higher road and accept the feedback and comments even when seemingly negative.
You value your readers and supporters. To me, I really value your writings, they hit close to home. I don’t think being honest about life is bashing people. I feel that your writings actually show accountability on your end.
My ex fiancé wasn’t a bad person … she just wasn’t emotionally mature enough to handle the stress of life. We’d had great times; but the red flags are so obvious (I had friends telling me this). She thinks I’m a child and said a lot of disturbing things about me - but I’ll take the higher road. I don’t wish any ill will at all and hope she finds someone.
To me, our negative experiences can help lead us to the greatest things. I think you know this - your “departure” from a job you enjoyed was a tough pill to swallow; but look at you know - acclaimed author and speaker! The universe sometimes has plans for us that we do now know about.
When will we have an update on the “boyfriend”?????
Thank you for providing this forum. Maybe it’s generating content for a new book?
I think my sunglasses moments arise whenever someone shows they like me more than I like them. Like WHY would you be like that? 😆 My nervous system freaks out when this happens too soon, like date #2.
I don’t really have a good strategy to avoid the wall going up or getting the ick in those moments. I’m still working on it, but acknowledgment of those feelings is half the battle.
Thank you for sharing and I totally get that! The one thing I’ve been doing is IFS parts work on the “ick” part of me. It’s been helping. And…do I give you the ick? Because I like you a whole lot 💕💕💕
Oh my god. I SO needed to read this today, you have no idea!
So I'm currently dating this ah-mazing guy (fellow writer, fellow ghost hunter, funny as hell, treats me like a queen, you get the idea). Only bruise on the apple is that he smokes (trying to cut down, for me -- see what I mean?). I sent him a reel from a comedian who did a whole thing on "why do you smoke cigarettes", and ... Boyfriend got twitchy about it. He said, "That crosses the line into nagging." I apologized. His response (over text)? "Mm." So now I'm driving myself a bit mad, second-guessing myself like crazy, and wondering what our evening together is going to be like. I'm sure it'll be fine, because he is NOT my shitty ex, but I still feel terrible for making him mad or annoying him or whatever I did. (Oh, and the icing on the crap cupcake? Sort of? I finally filed the divorce papers this week, and it hit me in the shower this morning. I shrugged it off, let it run down the drain, but still. Maybe I shouldn't be so quick to be "over it", you know?) Anyway, thanks for listening, anyone who's taken the time to read this far. I appreciate you.
I appreciate you! How did it end up with him? The nagging thing is real. I’m always afraid I will go into “nah” territory - but in an honest and healthy relationship - he can just say “that’s too much” and I can say “I’m sorry, my intention was just that I care about you.” Like what I’m learning is that things don’t have to be so fraught! How did it go with him?
Well! It actually went really great! It's SO refreshing to be in a mature relationship now. Seriously. We had a long talk last night, and I told him that even though we'd patched things up that day, I had spent all day yesterday in a state of quiet agony. We talked it out, and long story short, we agreed to give each other grace. He explained to me how addictive smoking is, and I explained that I WAS just concerned about his health. We agreed that it's important to be able to talk things out BEFORE bad feelings fester. (And then -- TMI alert -- he took me to bed and lavished me with personal attention, and then said, "That's to prove to you that I'm not going anywhere, and that I really want to be with you." 😍) I had no idea it was possible to be this happy in a relationship.
I read the comments on this thread. I read one above that said they are in their 40s now and been married and divorced, engaged and not. My sunglasses moment is in it right now. I got the habits and trauma from my childhood, but then the same man I’m now married too is the one who caused more trauma. So I’m constantly getting those sunglasses moments now because he has reverted back to his old toxic ways after so long of not. I know that I can receive what I deserve, but it’s me deciding if the sunglass moments are worth working out again with that same person, or the unknown and not having to have those moments all the time, or repeated again. There IS someone out there that would be the person I need without always having the sunglasses moments with. It’s a tough battle because I’m also in a hell of a health battle.
Brooke my darling, this is a tough one. Have you had an honest conversation with him. Here’s a framing I like:
“Can you help me with something?”
“When you say X, it makes me feel y, which makes me think Z. How does that land with you?” Then I shut the eff up and wait for an answer. I like to come from a place of “can you help me” because people tend to want to help! If you didn’t want this advice and just wanted to be seen - then let me tell you - I see you my friend and I’m with you 💕💕💕
I appreciate the advice actually. 🩵 I hate to be the bearer of bad news 🗞️ but, we’re in almost FIVE years of therapy…. Consistent therapy…. I did the work and he fooled me with thinking he had too. Now it’s time for HIM to decide if he he’s going to grow up or not. I had my Saturn return and now 30, he turns 30 in July. He knows that if his behaviors haven’t started real change WITH consistent therapy, he will unfortunately find out how hard the Saturn return was..
5 years is tough…do you know about the “sunk cost fallacy” - where we think we put so much effort into something already we don’t want to give up? I think it might be time to ask yourself how much more of yourself you’re willing to put into this. Because you say it’s his choice - but it’s also yours.
I don’t have any energy left to give. I gave my all before I had even said yes to marrying the man and I intended to always to grow together, but after being blindsided by the reverting, and such, I absolutely have no energy to give. But I have a hard time with ending a marriage so fast, because “time” starts over when you get married. So less than a year married, 11 years in total. From teenagers to 30. 👀
I really appreciate this vulnerable insight to how we can move through fear. Walking on eggshells or waiting for the other shoe to drop creates SUCH a hyper-aware defensive way we can move through relationships.
This Century City Sunglasses Panic describes that constant undercurrent of my anxiety. 🙃 While I can conceptually understand the situation is different...deeper protective instinct take over. BUT when I am in my flowy glowy state...I can move past it and live in the moment WITHOUT the weight.
T$, I am all cheesing smiles that this guy recognizes how truly precious you are.
Some of my own favorite reminders are:
✨️ I am allowed to enjoy my life
✨️ I can let good things just BE GOOD
✨️ If this is ease. If this is calm. Let it land.
💜💜💜
Love this Steph and love you! One thing that helps me in the moment is to notice the differences between then and now. For example, I’m not 25 any more, this guy has only given me data he cares about me, etc. but could be applied to anything! Example: this boss values me, they’ve never yelled, etc . Thank you for being YOU and here!
Soooo I am in a similar boat right now. I am in my 40s though. Married and divorced. Then met someone and was engaged. Ended poorly. I thought I’d never meet anyone. And then boom, I meet someone (now my GF) that is absolutely amazing. I believe we go through hell at times so that when we find a bit of heaven, we can truly appreciate it. I’m just taking it day by day.
Take it from the guy (me) that’s been through Hell … it happens to us too. Enjoy the ride with the “boyfriend” and have fun. It’s hard not to think about the past and how we’ve been hurt before. It seems like he is genuine.
He’s a keeper if he simply enjoys time with you. One lesson I learned - ASK your closest friends what they think … of him and your happiness.
Robert! I so so so appreciate you and love hearing from you! And it’s reassuring to know it happens to guys too. And I’m so happy you let us all know. I think men and women could be healed if they just knew that the opposite sex went through the same. I’m so grateful you’re hear - it brought good tears to my eyes 🥹🥹🥹
Keep up the great work, Tara. You are an inspiration. I absolutely loved reading Glow - I read it when I was in a pretty shady relationship with my ex-fiancé. It wasn’t awful by any means, but hindsight is the Devil …
I think so much comes down to communication. I really feel your post about the “boyfriend” as I’m in a similar situation. I was DONE with relationships. I’m in my 40s, have an ongoing nasty bitter custody battle of my daughter and a few other things lingering. And then Poof! I met the most amazing woman who’s also been through a lot courtesy of, well, jerks of the opposite sex.
We connect on an insanely deep level with a love I didn’t think was possible. It is scary because I’m just waiting for the shoe to drop.
Please keep us all informed on how things turn out. Maybe you’re writing the “how you know you’ve met the one” Hallmark novel 😃
Thank you for sharing your talents with us through your writings. It’s very much appreciated.
Wow, and thank YOU for letting me know you're here and for your thoughtful feedback. I want this newsletter to be a conversation - thank you for making it that!
Yes!!! 💜 this! Conversation is important! Sign me up for the pending Hallmark Romance novel by Tara 😃😊
I loved your book and most of the lifestyle habits you espouse. The constant bashing of the people you used to date is not appealing to me. You saw something in these people when you started to date them, they have good and bad qualities, it wasn't a good fit and yes, they had work to do (and don't we all). I rarely see you taking ownership of anything you were doing in any relationship that also wasn't healthy - including picking them! Maybe it's now your brand to keep saying stuff like this but I wish it would fade away as you continue to grow.
One more thought: It’s moving to me that you took the time to write such thoughtful feedback. I’m grateful you’re here.
Hey there, thanks for your comment. Hm. Interesting. I wouldn’t consider it “bashing.” I dated some actually abusive, cruel people and I don’t think their actions are my responsibility. And. My life IS my responsibility. You’re right - I DID choose these people. You’re right I got myself into a lot of these situations. You’re right - I stayed with people who were not kind, that’s all me.
And now that I know better, I’m doing better. I use examples from my own life because my life has been oddly absurd and what I find from my playwriting/comedy background is that in the extremes - we see the universal. I’d like to be helpful to others. But I try to write with kindness towards all these people - I probably do a better job in the books because I have more room to write (try to keep it short in the newsletter.) anyways, I appreciate you’re here, I hear the comment, and the central message I’m trying to say with everything is that we all have the choice to be the heroes in our own stories. No matter what “happens,” it’s our responsibility to turn it into a story where we use our own agency to lead the lives we most want. I’m being a little tongue in cheek in these posts! Xoxo t$
Just want to say I love you take the higher road and accept the feedback and comments even when seemingly negative.
You value your readers and supporters. To me, I really value your writings, they hit close to home. I don’t think being honest about life is bashing people. I feel that your writings actually show accountability on your end.
My ex fiancé wasn’t a bad person … she just wasn’t emotionally mature enough to handle the stress of life. We’d had great times; but the red flags are so obvious (I had friends telling me this). She thinks I’m a child and said a lot of disturbing things about me - but I’ll take the higher road. I don’t wish any ill will at all and hope she finds someone.
To me, our negative experiences can help lead us to the greatest things. I think you know this - your “departure” from a job you enjoyed was a tough pill to swallow; but look at you know - acclaimed author and speaker! The universe sometimes has plans for us that we do now know about.
When will we have an update on the “boyfriend”?????
Thank you for providing this forum. Maybe it’s generating content for a new book?
I think my sunglasses moments arise whenever someone shows they like me more than I like them. Like WHY would you be like that? 😆 My nervous system freaks out when this happens too soon, like date #2.
I don’t really have a good strategy to avoid the wall going up or getting the ick in those moments. I’m still working on it, but acknowledgment of those feelings is half the battle.
Thank you for sharing and I totally get that! The one thing I’ve been doing is IFS parts work on the “ick” part of me. It’s been helping. And…do I give you the ick? Because I like you a whole lot 💕💕💕
You give me no icks, Tara! 💗😘