The #1 Sign You’re Self-Sabotaging Your Love Life
How to tell if you're dating the person in front of you or your sh*tty ex
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The #1 Sign You’re Self-Sabotaging Your Love Life
Okay, I’m going to be honest…I’m really, really, really in “like” with someone. Let’s call him… “The Boyfriend.” Original, I know…
After two f*cking decades of dating I KNOW he’s a catch: he’s passionate about his work, SO interesting, accomplished, funny, supportive AF (he thinks it’s hot that I run The Coven), treats me so well (makes an incredible effort to see me, helps me with anything I need), is six feet, and Jewish. I mean… He’s SO good, a veritable dream! And so you know what I mostly think about right? Doom. “Well, something's going to go very wrong.” “There’s no way I found a guy like this.” Even writing this right now I feel like, “Is God going to strike me down for being a LITTLE bit happy?” In arguably the best dating situation I’ve been in, I am constantly bracing for the worst.
For example, we were in Century City (an outdoor mall in Los Angeles because we have those) last weekend trying to find a pair of sunglasses for him. Which, btw, I think sunglass shopping is harder than shopping for jeans and only slightly better than shopping for a bathing suit because WHAT IS A “FACE SHAPE”?! How do you know and what is best for said face shapes?! Does anyone ACTUALLY know how to judge what the best sunglasses are?
Anyways, as we walked through the mall I became increasingly agitated. Was The Boyfriend having fun? Did he think it was annoying to shop? Was he bored? Did he need water? A $22 (for some reason) smoothie to give him some energy? I felt myself bracing for him to be moody or say something passive aggressive because I’ve been in the position of feeling like I am walking on eggshells just being around a guy so many times before.
My dad started the trend by smoking weed before most of our meals in my twenties and into my thirties. I internalized the message (rightly or wrongly) that I was not interesting nor valuable enough to be sober around. With my boyfriends, it only got worse. There was the robotist who screamed at me and made a scene for being “flirty” (read: a human who smiled) at a party for Daily Show writers - a big career deal for me to be invited which just turned to embarrassment. There was the finance bro who came to an improv performance of mine and screamed at me because he was late to the show and it was my fault for not giving him better directions 🤦🏻♀️. And there was a whole parade of men who HATED, and I mean, really loathed shopping. Who would huff, and puff, and blow the Bloomingdales down if they had to spend outside of twenty minutes looking for a new duvet cover.
So, back at Century City, feeling a little bit of fear full body panic, I asked The Boyfriend “Is this terrible for you? Are you having an awful time?” like I was afraid I was about to get into trouble. He looked at me and laughed, “I’m with you, aren’t I? That’s all that matters. I don’t care where we are or what we’re doing.”
Reader, my heart just about BURST with relief. OHHHH! The Boyfriend is NOT every other ex I’ve ever been with. It’s possible he’s his own person. I thought to myself.
Even as I write this to you now I have tears in my eyes because one: I’m just SO RELIEVED to be dating someone who appears to be low maintenance. I didn’t realize how epically difficult so many of the men I’ve dated were until I met this one.
One of the blessings of dating WELL into your thirties is that you have a lot of practice knowing what you want and getting more and more clear on a partner who will be compatible with you. But one of the curses is that you’ve had so many disappointments that it also becomes a habit to project the past onto the present.
And that’s what I REALLY REALLY REALLY don’t want to do. Because whatever you believe or think about the world, you make it a reality. If I treat The Boyfriend like I’m scared of him and pull away or get avoidant because I’m afraid he’s going to hurt me, or play it cool because I’m trying to protect my feelings, he’ll never feel totally at ease with me because I’m not at ease, and he’ll never get to know me, and if never gets to know me, what future do we have?
I don’t fully have an answer to all this other than to be SUPER present and try to lighten up when I get in these moods and so…
Here’s where I turn to you…
I’d love to know - what’s your version of Century City sunglasses panic? What helps you stay grounded when the past tries to crash your perfectly lovely present? I love hearing your stories (and I promise I don’t judge; I’ve cried in multiple department stores).
Or tell me in the chat, where we have our community! We had a lot of great feedback on Friday’s post:
In my paid newsletter we are going to look at this story through the lens of one of my favorite aphorisms of all time…
Preview of This Week’s Glow Getters:
In the spirit of holding you accountable to try new tools to help yourself, I’m giving you a worksheet called "Is It Then or Is It Now?" - A tool for when your nervous system is time traveling and you need to bring it back to the present. We’ll practice stopping the past from bleeding all over the present - specifically, how to pause and look for the origin of the feeling, and then actively remind yourself how the now is different from the then.
We’re also creating a close-knit community in our subscribers-only chat.
Oh my god. I SO needed to read this today, you have no idea!
So I'm currently dating this ah-mazing guy (fellow writer, fellow ghost hunter, funny as hell, treats me like a queen, you get the idea). Only bruise on the apple is that he smokes (trying to cut down, for me -- see what I mean?). I sent him a reel from a comedian who did a whole thing on "why do you smoke cigarettes", and ... Boyfriend got twitchy about it. He said, "That crosses the line into nagging." I apologized. His response (over text)? "Mm." So now I'm driving myself a bit mad, second-guessing myself like crazy, and wondering what our evening together is going to be like. I'm sure it'll be fine, because he is NOT my shitty ex, but I still feel terrible for making him mad or annoying him or whatever I did. (Oh, and the icing on the crap cupcake? Sort of? I finally filed the divorce papers this week, and it hit me in the shower this morning. I shrugged it off, let it run down the drain, but still. Maybe I shouldn't be so quick to be "over it", you know?) Anyway, thanks for listening, anyone who's taken the time to read this far. I appreciate you.
I read the comments on this thread. I read one above that said they are in their 40s now and been married and divorced, engaged and not. My sunglasses moment is in it right now. I got the habits and trauma from my childhood, but then the same man I’m now married too is the one who caused more trauma. So I’m constantly getting those sunglasses moments now because he has reverted back to his old toxic ways after so long of not. I know that I can receive what I deserve, but it’s me deciding if the sunglass moments are worth working out again with that same person, or the unknown and not having to have those moments all the time, or repeated again. There IS someone out there that would be the person I need without always having the sunglasses moments with. It’s a tough battle because I’m also in a hell of a health battle.