"..it’s rarely about one blow-up. It’s usually years of quiet injuries that finally demand space".
Thank you thank you THANK YOU for saying this. So many people can tell gripping stories of screaming matches or blatent abuse, but to those of us who were slowly chipped away at, day in and day out, by negative comments and tiny but impactful actions, its so validiting to hear that our choice was the right one, even if it wasn't as obvious to others.
I also love the recent movement of people speaking up to champion for the fact that it is so painful for the adult children to make the choice of going no contact....so often, we get framed as the evil villian for doing this, which only multiplies the pain and guilt of choosing sanity and peace, and so many of us have simply had to carry that pain alone, internally, and quietly. To hear that others go through this and understand this is such a healing experience.
Hi Jillian, thank you so much for your thoughtful comments here. What you've been through is painful, though might not be obvious to others which I find SO MUCH MORE painful. Because, at least for me, I feel semi-ashamed. "Am I making things worse than they were," I used to think? Well....what I realized is PROBABLY NOT, no one WANTS to be estranged from their parent. If you're going that route, something pretty significant (even if it looks trivial) to the outside must have happened. I honor your thought process and the decisions you are making.
I’ve also been estranged for 15-20 years for the sake of my own mental health. She also hasn’t tried to make any repairs in all that time (mostly bc she knows she’s incapable). It’s wild how emotionally detached I’ve become to Mother’s Day. It may as well be Former Pro Basketball Players day for all I care.
You are an amazing woman, and she has absolutely missed out - you do what’s best for you. 💋
So perfectly articulated, Tara! I can 💯 empathize. I'm not estranged from my mom, but her countless poor choices have put a vast wall between us, and I'm embracing that boundary as my own. Thanks for pointing out how important is for everyone to have compassion and curiosity about "tough mom stuff" in others' lives. 🩵
Momauntsisterfriend 💜 Thank you so much for sharing on this!!! You always bring your full perspective and self to the table, Tara, and it is so powerful. We ALL can learn from each other's stories AND how we FEEL about those experiences.
I love how your open heart and taking proper cues for your wellbeing. You chose to show up for your own life. I think that's something we can all learn from.
Spoil yourself rotten, Queen!!! You've been such a source of love to so many of us little lilies.
This is so kind, Steph! And inspiring! I'm trying to figure out the next steps in this newsletter - and I think remembering to bring my "full perspective" is a great reminder. Love you, T
I so relate to the part about your mom making the choice and you learning to live with it. Technically I did move without giving my own mother my new address but what else was I supposed to do after I tested out no contact and she never even asked if I was okay?
Yeah, it's a tough pill to swallow...when we realize..."a healthy mom" would follow up, ask questions, and try to repair the relationship. That was a big realization for me - "OH, I'm the child and if I 'ran away' a healthy mom would at least try to figure out if I was okay or not." I'm sorry for what you've been through and very grateful you chose to share it here.
How did it go for you, Samantha? I'm holding you in my heart ❤️ I'm also so curious how it felt when she passed - selfishly - as someone estranged from her mom currently. I could learn from you. Sending you love.
I understand, that was one of my biggest worries and fears! It's what everyone kind of holds over your head when you are no contact!
I obviously have/had feelings of regret - but I still don't think I would change my decision.
I have a lot of feelings that I could have maybe made her passing easier (she died alone), but the truth is, I had such a physical, full body and soul reaction to being around her, so I don't think I could have actually been a loving space for her. She deserved community and love, but after decades of abuse, she didn't deserve it from me. I think I also saved myself MORE regret - I would have undoubtedly said something I didn't feel good about at some point, and then I would just have felt more guilt. She would have known I still didn't trust her or feel safe around her, so I think she would have also not been truly supported. And I also saved myself more trauma - could I have truly dealt with being with my abuser as she died? What cruel or just plain disturbing things might she have done or said in those moments?
I think regret will come no matter what - I would have regretted being in her life, and I regret not being in her life at the end. But regret is a feeling, not a fact. And regret is a feeling that adult daughters who are estranged (for good reasons!! - I've never talked to a woman who was estranged from her mother who didn't have a GOOD reason and didn't try everything else first) feel all the time, anyway.
Something else that surprised me is that I have eventually lost a lot of the anger and self-protectiveness that I had when she was alive. It makes sense! I was so weary of what new, loose canon-esque thing she might try. I was actively processing the harm and pain she inflicted on me in the past AND trying to shield myself from new harm. A few months after she passed, I felt myself lose almost all my anger. I felt incredibly sad for her. I always had compassion and sorrow for her and the life she had created for herself, but it was always mixed with fear. When I was no longer afraid of her, I just felt so so much grief for the life she lived. I think this contributed to that regret - why would I feel sad for someone unless they were "the victim"? So, wouldn't that make me the villain?? It was hard at first to feel such all consuming sadness for her, and now I just see it as part of the truth. Her life WAS sad, the way she died WAS sad, and I feel sad that my own mother lived and died that way - but I'm not sad because I could have prevented that.
That was such a long response! But those are the main things I would want to hear. <3 I have written about the grief I feel and the processing I have done a lot on my page too! <3
I can't thank you enough for this. You spoke to my deepest dark places and gave me some hope. I have a very difficult mother and have chosen to not speak with her out of self protection several years ago now. Our mothers are very similar, let's just say that. Mother's Day is SO HARD and because I desperately wish to have a mom. The grief in gratitude is a wonderful tip that I will embrace. (Almost makes me want to thank your mom because you're here with me, but I don't want to go that far lol).
Again, thank you. I really hope one day I can hug you for this. (East Coast visiiiiit!!!).
Bahahah, "almost makes me want to thank your mom" - that made me smile. Dearest friend, I am thrilled to me your "mom-aunt-sister-friend" and I'm glad the grief and gratitude is helpful to you. It's a research backed way to feel better but also...I've just seen it work time and time again in my own heart. Sending you love, and YES east coast! But also, I'm going to have a retreat!
Thank you, Tara, for sharing so honestly and generously. While your post focuses on Mother's Day and relationships with moms in particular, I still felt a connection to all you spoke about. I am estranged from my siblings. It's not easy. It's not my first choice. As you point out, things have to be incredibly bad for someone to choose not to have a relationship with a relative. Wishing you a relaxing spa day on Sunday!
Ahhhhhhhhhh, this is SO SO interesting - and I should have broadened the point at the end. You are a good editor, lol. I'm sorry you can relate but I'm glad you are taking care of yourself and I love you so much 💖
Tara, thank you - for reading my comment, for answering my comment, for caring about my comment, and mostly, for caring about me. Your compassion in this community you've created is admirable and appreciated.
Thanks for the great post. I've been estranged from my mother for 30 years (I'm 47 now). I used to really lament mother's day in the past, but instead I've learned to focus on the wealth of myself! I've known for a very long time this is the best and right choice for me and I know it always will be.
"..it’s rarely about one blow-up. It’s usually years of quiet injuries that finally demand space".
Thank you thank you THANK YOU for saying this. So many people can tell gripping stories of screaming matches or blatent abuse, but to those of us who were slowly chipped away at, day in and day out, by negative comments and tiny but impactful actions, its so validiting to hear that our choice was the right one, even if it wasn't as obvious to others.
I also love the recent movement of people speaking up to champion for the fact that it is so painful for the adult children to make the choice of going no contact....so often, we get framed as the evil villian for doing this, which only multiplies the pain and guilt of choosing sanity and peace, and so many of us have simply had to carry that pain alone, internally, and quietly. To hear that others go through this and understand this is such a healing experience.
Hi Jillian, thank you so much for your thoughtful comments here. What you've been through is painful, though might not be obvious to others which I find SO MUCH MORE painful. Because, at least for me, I feel semi-ashamed. "Am I making things worse than they were," I used to think? Well....what I realized is PROBABLY NOT, no one WANTS to be estranged from their parent. If you're going that route, something pretty significant (even if it looks trivial) to the outside must have happened. I honor your thought process and the decisions you are making.
I’ve also been estranged for 15-20 years for the sake of my own mental health. She also hasn’t tried to make any repairs in all that time (mostly bc she knows she’s incapable). It’s wild how emotionally detached I’ve become to Mother’s Day. It may as well be Former Pro Basketball Players day for all I care.
You are an amazing woman, and she has absolutely missed out - you do what’s best for you. 💋
Thank you Tiffany, thank you for sharing and I hope you had a good Former Po Basketball Player Day (lol).
So perfectly articulated, Tara! I can 💯 empathize. I'm not estranged from my mom, but her countless poor choices have put a vast wall between us, and I'm embracing that boundary as my own. Thanks for pointing out how important is for everyone to have compassion and curiosity about "tough mom stuff" in others' lives. 🩵
Thank you, and thank you for letting me know you're out here. And I LOVE how you are framing this..."HER" choices - not yours made the wall necessary.
Momauntsisterfriend 💜 Thank you so much for sharing on this!!! You always bring your full perspective and self to the table, Tara, and it is so powerful. We ALL can learn from each other's stories AND how we FEEL about those experiences.
I love how your open heart and taking proper cues for your wellbeing. You chose to show up for your own life. I think that's something we can all learn from.
Spoil yourself rotten, Queen!!! You've been such a source of love to so many of us little lilies.
This is so kind, Steph! And inspiring! I'm trying to figure out the next steps in this newsletter - and I think remembering to bring my "full perspective" is a great reminder. Love you, T
I so relate to the part about your mom making the choice and you learning to live with it. Technically I did move without giving my own mother my new address but what else was I supposed to do after I tested out no contact and she never even asked if I was okay?
Yeah, it's a tough pill to swallow...when we realize..."a healthy mom" would follow up, ask questions, and try to repair the relationship. That was a big realization for me - "OH, I'm the child and if I 'ran away' a healthy mom would at least try to figure out if I was okay or not." I'm sorry for what you've been through and very grateful you chose to share it here.
Thank you so much for this! I feel very validated.
My total pleasure, dear Jessica!
i love this. i was estranged from my mother last year and she passed in june. i’ve never liked mother’s day and i’m dreading it even more this year
How did it go for you, Samantha? I'm holding you in my heart ❤️ I'm also so curious how it felt when she passed - selfishly - as someone estranged from her mom currently. I could learn from you. Sending you love.
I understand, that was one of my biggest worries and fears! It's what everyone kind of holds over your head when you are no contact!
I obviously have/had feelings of regret - but I still don't think I would change my decision.
I have a lot of feelings that I could have maybe made her passing easier (she died alone), but the truth is, I had such a physical, full body and soul reaction to being around her, so I don't think I could have actually been a loving space for her. She deserved community and love, but after decades of abuse, she didn't deserve it from me. I think I also saved myself MORE regret - I would have undoubtedly said something I didn't feel good about at some point, and then I would just have felt more guilt. She would have known I still didn't trust her or feel safe around her, so I think she would have also not been truly supported. And I also saved myself more trauma - could I have truly dealt with being with my abuser as she died? What cruel or just plain disturbing things might she have done or said in those moments?
I think regret will come no matter what - I would have regretted being in her life, and I regret not being in her life at the end. But regret is a feeling, not a fact. And regret is a feeling that adult daughters who are estranged (for good reasons!! - I've never talked to a woman who was estranged from her mother who didn't have a GOOD reason and didn't try everything else first) feel all the time, anyway.
Something else that surprised me is that I have eventually lost a lot of the anger and self-protectiveness that I had when she was alive. It makes sense! I was so weary of what new, loose canon-esque thing she might try. I was actively processing the harm and pain she inflicted on me in the past AND trying to shield myself from new harm. A few months after she passed, I felt myself lose almost all my anger. I felt incredibly sad for her. I always had compassion and sorrow for her and the life she had created for herself, but it was always mixed with fear. When I was no longer afraid of her, I just felt so so much grief for the life she lived. I think this contributed to that regret - why would I feel sad for someone unless they were "the victim"? So, wouldn't that make me the villain?? It was hard at first to feel such all consuming sadness for her, and now I just see it as part of the truth. Her life WAS sad, the way she died WAS sad, and I feel sad that my own mother lived and died that way - but I'm not sad because I could have prevented that.
That was such a long response! But those are the main things I would want to hear. <3 I have written about the grief I feel and the processing I have done a lot on my page too! <3
😭😭😭
Dearest mom-aunt-sister-friend ❤️
I can't thank you enough for this. You spoke to my deepest dark places and gave me some hope. I have a very difficult mother and have chosen to not speak with her out of self protection several years ago now. Our mothers are very similar, let's just say that. Mother's Day is SO HARD and because I desperately wish to have a mom. The grief in gratitude is a wonderful tip that I will embrace. (Almost makes me want to thank your mom because you're here with me, but I don't want to go that far lol).
Again, thank you. I really hope one day I can hug you for this. (East Coast visiiiiit!!!).
Love,
Kristin
Bahahah, "almost makes me want to thank your mom" - that made me smile. Dearest friend, I am thrilled to me your "mom-aunt-sister-friend" and I'm glad the grief and gratitude is helpful to you. It's a research backed way to feel better but also...I've just seen it work time and time again in my own heart. Sending you love, and YES east coast! But also, I'm going to have a retreat!
Please excuse my typos and flipping the gratitude in grief part. Too emotional to type lol
Thank you, Tara, for sharing so honestly and generously. While your post focuses on Mother's Day and relationships with moms in particular, I still felt a connection to all you spoke about. I am estranged from my siblings. It's not easy. It's not my first choice. As you point out, things have to be incredibly bad for someone to choose not to have a relationship with a relative. Wishing you a relaxing spa day on Sunday!
Ahhhhhhhhhh, this is SO SO interesting - and I should have broadened the point at the end. You are a good editor, lol. I'm sorry you can relate but I'm glad you are taking care of yourself and I love you so much 💖
Tara, thank you - for reading my comment, for answering my comment, for caring about my comment, and mostly, for caring about me. Your compassion in this community you've created is admirable and appreciated.
Thanks for the great post. I've been estranged from my mother for 30 years (I'm 47 now). I used to really lament mother's day in the past, but instead I've learned to focus on the wealth of myself! I've known for a very long time this is the best and right choice for me and I know it always will be.