I’m opting out of Mother’s Day

Estrangement, grief, comparative thinking and more

But first, a little bit of news…

Are you coming to our family meeting?

I need YOU (yes, you) to help me write my next book.

I’m calling a Family Meeting on Wednesday, May 28th at 7pm EST / 4pm PST because I need YOUR input on what my next book should be about — what you’re struggling with, what you’re celebrating, and what we all need more of.

In our meeting you’ll get…

✨ Get a behind-the-scenes look at pitching, writing, and publishing
✨ Hear about The Coven (aka allow me to be your life strategist)
✨ And enter to win a BOMB self-care box filled with my fav, top shelf, self-care products

📲 RSVP HERE. Sweatpants encouraged. Opinions required.

And now, onto le newsletter!

It’s Mother’s Day…

I’m experimenting with videos…so I made this! And, a newsletter version below!

This has been a really difficult holiday for me…for, like, 25 years. Basically the whole time. A real bummer of a day.

But for the past decade or so, I’ve been intentionally working on it. Because I just didn’t want to live my life in dread of this one day every year. I didn’t want to stay stuck in the cycle of ignore it, feel awful anyway, spiral.

So today, I want to talk about how this day doesn’t have to totally suck — especially if it brings up big, complicated feelings for you.

And if Mother’s Day is a beautiful, joyful day for you? I’m genuinely glad. I also think you should read this — not out of guilt, but so maybe you understand a little more about what this day feels like for some of the rest of us.

So please allow me to go off on a few different topics:

Estrangement

I think being estranged from your mom is one of the last true taboos. It’s the thing nobody wants to be true. The thing people rush to explain away or “fix” for you.

I haven’t had a real conversation with my mom in… I don’t know, 15 or 20 years? And it’s not because I didn’t try. It’s not because I wanted it this way. It’s because she’s deeply - psychologically - unwell.

And even though I have a lot of compassion for her (truly) I also had to choose: my life or hers. My mental health or her chaos.

Now, every now and then I get that itch - Should I reach out? You only get one mom, right?
But then I remember: she’s made her choice.

She chose it with her actions. She chose it when she told me I was a pathological liar, when she refused to comfort me, when she wrote me off as wrong, bad, broken. You can’t treat someone like that and then expect brunch and a candle once a year.

This is as recent as LAST YEAR, when I was literally on the verge of extending an olive branch, she found a photo of me and my dad and started commenting on it online. Stuff like:
“Don’t buy yourself the lilies. Lilies kill cats.”
“It’s your fault we don’t have a relationship.”

Yes. My mom cyber bullied me. On Instagram. In 2024.

I used to think I was the strong one for cutting her off. But honestly? I think she made the decision — and I just learned how to live with it.

So if you’re navigating estrangement — or even thinking about setting a boundary — here’s one question I want to offer:

Did they actually make a series of choices that made distance necessary?
Because it’s rarely about one blow-up. It’s usually years of quiet injuries that finally demand space.

Having a Relationship with Your Mom No Matter What:

People say to me, “You only get one mom. You should love her, warts and all.”
And to that I say:

GOOD. FOR. YOU.
I’m so glad you’ve had the kind of life where you can’t even fathom not being in relationship with your mom. That’s amazing. Truly.

But for those of us who are even CONSIDERING estrangement - we have our reasons. TRUST ME we have our reasons. Because to cut your mom off is one of the most painful decisions you can make and what we need is not judgement but your compassion and curiosity. Instead of judging, ask what it’s like to have to take such a drastic step.

So if today feels heavy, here are a few things I’ve learned that help:

Feeling bad about your relationship in comparison to others?

You are not a mind reader. You do not know what your friends’ relationships are really like, or how their day is actually going. Instagram is not the truth. Protect your peace. Don’t go online. Make other plans.

Feeling sad for the relationship you never had?

Try flipping it. What did not having that relationship teach you? What strength did you build? What do you give others — or yourself — that you never got?
Gratitude for the lessons can be its own quiet kind of healing. I call this “grief and gratitude” and it’s a research backed way to ease your suffering.

Feeling like this day just isn’t yours?

I promise you: You can make it your own.
You can light a candle for the version of yourself that needed more. You can honor your chosen family. You can make a ritual that’s about nurturing you. You are allowed, nay, you are ENCOURAGED to redefine what today means.

No matter what your relationship to Mother’s Day is — complicated, clear, celebratory, sorrowful, or totally “meh” — you’re not alone.

And if you’re in the club of us who feel a little off today, welcome. There’s snacks.

Did any of this resonate with you? I’d love to know what you think! I read and reply to all comments so let a gal know.