One thing that has become more important as I’ve gotten older is the acknowledgment that friendship takes WORK. They don’t happen without nourishment, intentionality, and care, especially when so many of my friends now have children and families that take up a lot of their time.
So, when I do my CEO of my life monthly review, I often look back at who I spent time with and who was important that month and ask myself, who do I need to reach out to? Who do I want to make sure I connect with next month? And I do it right then! I try to set up the next date, even if it’s 4-6 weeks away. For me, having girlfriends in my life is important and anything important is worth working for.
Lastly, most of the time, this needs to feel somewhat balanced/two-sided to me for me to keep that person in my life. I have to feel like when I reach out, they reach back. At the same time, every so often, I’ve had people in my life who I know aren’t capable of that (whether it be short or long term) and I might make the conscious choice to keep them in my life anyway, knowing the work is one-sided because I get enough benefits from the relationship. The key here is it is a CONSCIOUS choice—I go in expecting to work harder than the other person so they don’t disappoint me and fall short. But that person isn’t a ride-or-die.
My therapist once told me that I didn’t extend goodwill. I really needed her to unpack that for me. I think some of that has to do with my ADD and having grown up with a mom with a TBI who had good friends (a couple who died too young) up to a certain point and then never had close women friends again (controlling husband).
I don’t have anything to add to list, just noting that this post reminded me that I have a few long distance friends I need to check in with!
Check in with them!
The part where they are deeply curious about life — what a great criterion! I think all my closest friends share that in common.
Yes, like, I want people ENGAGED with life. "All up in life" if you will!
One thing that has become more important as I’ve gotten older is the acknowledgment that friendship takes WORK. They don’t happen without nourishment, intentionality, and care, especially when so many of my friends now have children and families that take up a lot of their time.
So, when I do my CEO of my life monthly review, I often look back at who I spent time with and who was important that month and ask myself, who do I need to reach out to? Who do I want to make sure I connect with next month? And I do it right then! I try to set up the next date, even if it’s 4-6 weeks away. For me, having girlfriends in my life is important and anything important is worth working for.
Lastly, most of the time, this needs to feel somewhat balanced/two-sided to me for me to keep that person in my life. I have to feel like when I reach out, they reach back. At the same time, every so often, I’ve had people in my life who I know aren’t capable of that (whether it be short or long term) and I might make the conscious choice to keep them in my life anyway, knowing the work is one-sided because I get enough benefits from the relationship. The key here is it is a CONSCIOUS choice—I go in expecting to work harder than the other person so they don’t disappoint me and fall short. But that person isn’t a ride-or-die.
Thanks for this great food for thought, Tara!
Omgosh what a fun surprise for you to share. So true. And delighted to be here! Thanks Tara!
My therapist once told me that I didn’t extend goodwill. I really needed her to unpack that for me. I think some of that has to do with my ADD and having grown up with a mom with a TBI who had good friends (a couple who died too young) up to a certain point and then never had close women friends again (controlling husband).