Co-Authoring Life with Chaos: how do you embrace the unknown?
Asking for a friend...
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I’ll be in Chicago for a family reunion (uhm, so many feels) on August 12th, and since I’ll be there - I thought it would be fun to have my first Midwest meet up! Will you be around? Please fill out this SUPER SHORT form so I can figure out if this is a good idea!
On with the newsletter!
Co-Authoring Life with Chaos
I was hiking my favorite trail in Los Angeles this past weekend, and instead of clocking the unbelievably green trees (thank you months of rain!) and taking in the scent of the California shrubs, I was deep within my brain, scouring it for sources of audio inspiration. I needed an inspirational podcast, yall! You see, I’ve felt un petit peu exhausted these past few weeks.
As I wrote to you a couple weeks back, there was a medical drama in my family that resulted in my aunt’s untimely death, and the whole thing was laughably terrible. It involved family estrangement, mental illness, cancer, hospital f*ck ups, and kicked up so much maternal dust around my estrangement with my own mom that at times I felt like I was suffocating. More specifically: I felt like I was being dragged into an old version of my life where crisis was the norm. And to make matters worse, my brain decided that this was the PERFECT moment to pull me into a sink-hole of all of my perceived failures.
I became almost obsessed with the idea that I had missed out on important career opportunities. Was I actually a successful author? Sure, I’ve sold more than 250,000 books (the “average” book sells 10,000 copies in its lifetime), BUT, if that many people had read my work, shouldn’t I have more Instagram followers? And sure, I never focused on Instagram (can you spare me a follow?), nor have I ever invested in it because no, BUT SHOULDN’T I?! And if I was smart, why didn’t I launch a podcast four years ago? AND! While we're going over ALL THE THINGS I SHOULD ALREADY KNOW, why didn’t I know how to get yellowed sheets white again?! WHY did they get yellow in the first place?!
In this chipper state of mind, I decided to listen to Julia Louis-Dreyfus’s podcast Wiser Than Me because I needed wisdom and prayed for a laugh. I was listening to her episode with Anne Lamott (author of my favorite book on writing) when about halfway through, I heard a phrase I never had before. Anne (I don’t know her by “Anne”) was discussing her own shame at not knowing how to take care of her colicky baby when she said, “one of the acronyms for shame in recovery is S.H.A.M.E: Should Have Already Mastered Everything.” Her words woke up all of the stardust within me. I felt the good chills sweep up and down my body.
Should have already mastered everything. YES, ANNE LAMOTT, YES! THAT’S EXACTLY HOW I FEEL!
I falsely (and cruelly) believed I should be standing on the winner’s podium of every race I had ever entered, even the ones where I hadn’t yet learned to lace up my shoes.
As I continued down the literal path (now I was hiking and not just scrolling through my phone looking for podcasts), I began to consider how I could release my S.H.A.M.E. syndrome. A few thoughts came to mind:
⚡️Well, it’s probably good that I’m asking questions.
I realized there’s no way I am the only person who feels like they should already be the master of the universe, so it’s probably just a good and healthy thing that I see this now. Yay me! As the Chinese philosopher Confucius taught, "Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.” Ignorance located! Check! ✅
⚡️I can follow my curiosity to find out more about not knowing.
I do, strongly and absolutely, believe we have free will and that we can take responsibility for and choose a great deal of the paths we walk down. And. I know I sometimes pretty much always ignore the mystery and magic around me. Rather than see this as a problem I realized that my new line of inquiry could be, “How do we become comfortable with not knowing?” Do I smell a new book on the way? 🤷♀️
⚡️We co-author our lives with chaos.
On the trail, I just had to laugh. As much as I own my story and attempt to cast myself as the heroine, not the victim, I also understand that I have an unpredictable writing partner named Life. She’s supz cool. She went to the best schools but is also SUPER street smart and I’m beyond grateful she wants to hang out together. I need to remember that we are writing this shi* together and I can’t control her and that putting limits on her, ultimately puts limits on me. 🤯🖋️
I’m so curious, does S.H.A.M.E resonates with you?
And if it does, how do you deal with the moments when you beat yourself up for not being the all knowing master of the universe? Do you have any favorite pieces of advice or philosophical quotes that help you through this? Has "not knowing" positively impacted your life? Let's keep this conversation alive. I could use your help!
T$’s Stamps of Approval 🌟
A list of things I fully and utterly endorse:
The Podcast that dropped some wisdom bombs on me: Wiser Than Me with Anne Lamott
My favorite book on writing by Anne Lamott - I can 100% guarantee you will love this book. You can’t over-hype it. Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life
The travel backpack I throw in my suitcase because it’s small, weightless, and ensures I can always go on a hike/go to Disney World/do something where I need a bag that will get roughed up but that won’t tear immediately.
An actual method to turning yellowed sheets white. I tried and IT WORKED!!!! IT WORKED! (The directions don’t say how much vinegar to use - fill the fabric softener dispenser - your welcs)
The playlist has helped me CALM THE HECK DOWN the past few weeks
One of the best newsletters I’ve written in a while, it’s all about throwing out generational trauma trash
THANK YOU for reading! 💖😘
Heads up: I’m going to take a break from the newsletter next week for the Fourth of July Weekend! Paid subscribers, however, will get their journaling prompts as always!
Love this! Whenever I'm feeling shame or beating myself up for not having it all together, I try to remind myself to focus on the PM (present moment). By getting myself back into the present moment, I feel sane again. Once I feel sane again, I list ten things I am proud of myself for and/or have accomplished. This always lifts me back up into an empowered place. When it comes to dealing with anxiety about the unknown, I really try to look at it as an exciting thing! Wouldn't it be boring if we had everything figured out and knew how everything would play out in the future? This leaves room for surprise... and I can get down with that.
I had never heard of this before until last week when I read about in this book “Tired as f*ck”. I was admired because I resonated with her like I did with your books. I don’t have advice on how to manage this because I was so stuck in burnt out and survival mode I hadn’t known I was experiencing shame. Upon reflecting, I realized I spent my earlier twenties feeling that dreadful feeling of “shame”. Most my friends were working toward a career and I wound up getting pregnant at 22 instead. It was a blessing in disguise, but that’s when I felt it most.
I started feeling that way again as I approach 30, and I grounded myself by remembering how far I HAVE come, and what I do have, that others may be dying to have themselves.