When Disneyland burns down

Don't worry: I'm talking about metaphorical Disneyland

Picture this: I’m in a meadow (yes, we have those in LA) to celebrate my friend’s sister’s birthday. It’s a stretch but I’m trying to get out more. I’m wearing a red sundress with a delicate white flower pattern - it’s a stunner. I have on visible ankle socks with my white sneakers because apparently this is how we now dress, like embarrassing dads. But not even my cheery frock nor my giant Celine sunglasses can hide how horrible I feel. I’m heartbroken. I’ve just been dumped out of the seeming blue and though I’m trying my best to hide my misery, though I have come to this party SPECIFICALLY to “have fun,” my pain is SO apparent that the birthday girl herself, a girl I DO NOT KNOW, emphatically tells me, within four minutes of meeting me, “You need to read Breakup Bootcamp. TRUST ME.”

I order the book and when it arrives I expect VERY little. I’ve been given bought many relationship books out of interest desperation. I have Calling in the One, How Not To Die Alone, Attached and other cheery titles. And though each has been helpful (except Calling in The One because I read that like 3 years ago and where is he? HMMM?), none have really spoken to my soul. That is, of course, until I crack open Amy Chan’s Breakup Bootcamp and find revelation.

I met Amy and fell in LOVE. You’re going to love her too. #GirlCrush

In the book, Amy, takes us through her own romantic story, and the stories of people she’s helped get over their break-ups and fundamentally change how they date for the better. But instead of being made entirely of funny stories and anecdotal evidence, she gets to the REAL SCIENCE and psychology of why we do the things we do in relationships and in their fallout. I had never for one moment considered that some of how I was acting and feeling was chemical, not just emotional, and this new realization hit me HARD and offered me so much relief.

You see I dated “The Man Who Shall Not Be Named” for a total of four months. In those four months I had more fun, more love, more joy in dating, BETTER SEX, than I ever had since college. FINALLY! A successful, emotionally intelligent, tall, INTERESTING, therapy loving, man’s man! He drove a veritable monster truck to weekly therapy before hokey practice from where he would text me “good night,” if he thought I would be asleep by the time he got home. I mean…If that’s not the dream, what is?

But then, of course, he broke up with me on the phone without explanation and cut me out of his life with no conversation and then I never saw him again. I mean…If that’s not the nightmare, what is?

While I was obviously heartbroken and felt betrayed the number one emotion I actually felt was shame. We had “only” dated for four months. How could I care so much about a guy who was in my life for so little time? Why couldn’t I stop grieving? I was embarrassed of myself. Careless friends even said things to me like, “It was only four months, you can’t be THAT upset.” I regretted how I had taken him to milestone events in my life like my book party for GLOW, wasn’t it a little humiliating that I had trotted him out like some prize I was so proud? I started lying a little about the length of the relationship to save face - “we were together six months.” But Amy’s book offered me hope that I was not bad, stupid, or shameful for feeling so heartbroken, rather it was chemically IMPOSSIBLE not to feel this way.

I emailed her, asking what she thought was going on, not thinking she would reply. But! Luckily, she did (great reminder - always reach out to people you admire). We did a phone consultation and she explained it to me like this, “It would be chemically impossible for you to feel any differently than you do.” She went on, “at four months your dopamine (the feel-good hormone) levels are at an all time HIGH. You’re thinking about the future and how excited you are about what’s to come. Your stabilizing, “here and now” chemicals (oxytocin, serotonin, endorphins, and endocannabinoids), which suppress the dopamine addiction have not kicked in yet. So! If dopamine, suddenly, with no warning, is cut off, you’re going to feel like shit. In fact, you might feel worse than if it was the dissolution of a twenty year relationship because you never got to a feeling of stability with those “here and now” chemicals that mellow us out.” You mean maybe I wasn’t to blame for my, at times, soul sucking grief!? I was intrigued!

Amy sent me this graphic: Dopamine vs Here and Now chemicals

“Think of it like you’re at Disneyland for the first time. You plan for it, you think of all the fun you’re going to have, you plan what rides you will go on and what snacks you’ll eat and everything is pure hope for the future. Then, you finally get to Disneyland, go on four amazing rides, and out of nowhere you are told that not only do you need to exit Disneyland NOW, but also its burned down and you can never go there again. Where as, let’s say you’ve been in a relationship for twenty years. You’ve been to Disneyland a million times. You know how all the rides end, you know what snacks your partner will like the best, and it’s kind of exhausting so now you always leave early. Some years you consider not going at all. The point is, in a four month relationship you’re chemically the highest and most excited you’ll ever be, whereas in a twenty year relationship, things have cooled and you already know how most things will end.” This metaphor BLEW MY DANG MIND! Everything now made sense. I was genuinely heart broken AND my chemistry was getting in the way of my healing. There was NOTHING to be ashamed of - this was just my body acting like bodies do. Just knowing that gave me back a sense of self-respect.

Amy’s book goes into the science of how we feel, the patterns we enact, and gives the most compelling explanation of attachment styles I’ve ever read. This isn’t an ad, Amy is only a new friend, I just found the book so enormously helpful that I think it will help in love but also in all relationships.

My question to you: have you ever felt devastated by a “short term” romance that ended too soon? Have you ever felt ashamed of how you feel, only adding insult to injury? Did the Disneyland metaphor give you an AH-HA moment like it does for me? I’m so curious if this resonated with you at all! Please let me know in the comments.

PS: Again, this is not an ad, I just try to support good work (especially from women authors and small businesses) when I find it! If any of this sounded interesting and you want to dive deeper in, Amy is holding Renew Breakup Bootcamp - Nov. 17-20 in Sonoma, California. Check out more details here: www.renewbreakupbootcamp.com/retreat A team of top relationship experts, from psychologists to behavioral scientists, will guide you through a step-by-step process to empower you to heal from the past and move forward.

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Your questions, comments, triumphs, heartaches, adventures, and insights. All of it is welcome here. I love featuring your art, journals, and pictures of triumph! Please send ‘em along! (Submissions lightly edited for brevity.)

A recommendation for my new book, Glow in the F*cking Dark…

The kind of note that makes me feel like maybe I am living up to my name sake…

“I found you in a tiny bookstore in Des Moines, Iowa. My husband (43) was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer in March while we were on a spring break trip with our two small children. He was in the treatment room that day and I just couldn’t stand being in there that day. So my mom and I went shopping. I saw your Lilies book and thought it looked pretty, and I like the word “fuck,” so I bought it. I HATE self help. I am a mental health professional and cannot stand people writing about and lecturing me on things I know about myself. But your book was amazing. It wasn’t lecture-y, your writing is engaging, and I just fell in love with it. I’ve bought that book for multiple friends and recommended it to so many people. It became part of my summer routine. Wake up, make coffee, read only 2 chapters (so that I could savor it) and then take care of my 2 kids and sick husband all day. You (my therapist and my prescribing doctor) saved my life this summer. I just bought Glow from a small bookstore in Indiana, Iowa and can’t wait to devour it!” - Morgan P

Just a little something fun…