My Frenemy Within Struck Me Hard

Here’s How I Calmed Her Down

What’s in This Edition?

• Tips on making nice with your Frenemy Within.

• Testify—messages from you!

• A quote getting me through the week

The Frenemy Within

For Mental Health Awareness Month, I want to explore one of the ways MOST OF US contribute to our own low opinions of ourselves. I want to address The Frenemy Within (or inner critic). She is someone I wouldn’t befriend if I met her today but man do we have history. She’s been with me since I was a little girl, telling me that my body is wrong, I have no talents, and I am un-loveable. In fact, she is the one who constantly reminds me of the most painful “truth” I took from my childhood: I’m not valuable.

Even though I worked at a company for twelve years in a job that was FUN, I always felt a calling to be creative. I was, however, too scared that by venturing on my own I’d become poor, everyone would notice what a fraud I was, and that I would probably die as a result (what can I say? I always keep a level head). As fate would have it, my company laid me off, so I never had to pull the ripcord and leave. They cut my parachute for me.

Now, I am writing and being creative. And I thank f*cking God that helping people is my day job and it’s RIGHT, one hundred percent, no doubt in my mind, THE RIGHT thing for me to be doing. And yet, it’s scary. I worry you won’t like my books, that the success I’ve had in this world will evaporate, and I will end up poor, alone, with the entire world laughing at me. I’m not AT ALL dramatic. And now,  as I navigate my way through having my own business, I’m always looking for wiser, more established people to share their wisdom with me (OG Lilies readers—these are road warriors).

With this in mind, I noticed that a very respected friend of mine knew a woman who was a PERFECT match for me. We had so much in common: spirituality, goals, the methods we use for self-healing, just SO much, and I was THRILLED when our mutual connection checked in with her and found out she was open to meeting me! HUZZAH!

After the initial intro was made, she said she was busy but she’d be in touch. I was ecstatic and totally GOT IT, she’s a busy one. I gave it a month and reached back out to her assistant, just flagging it. I didn’t hear anything back so I reached out to the woman (with her assistant on copy) with the most heartfelt letter I could write, one that paid homage to her and explained how a conversation with her could help me evolve and how I would continue to tell my own peeps about her. And do you know what she said? Nothing. Instead, her assistant emailed me saying the woman who had told me she was open to meeting me, now declined to talk to me, and then directed me towards a few links.

My Frenemy Within leapt out of my soul: “You’re a fraud, a loser who hasn’t done anything and who’s already peaked, real people don’t take you seriously” she seethed.

Luckily for me, I knew exactly what to do:

1. I listened

I didn’t push the thoughts away as “stupid” or “over-blown.” They were my thoughts and I honor all parts of me. I refuse to tear down any part of me.

2. I felt self-compassion

I decided to check-in on the part of me who felt like a loser because she was obviously in pain. “I’m so sorry you feel that way, sweetheart. That’s not a nice way to talk to yourself. It all makes sense though… your central fear is rejection and though this is not personal, I understand why you are taking it personally.”

3. I reminded myself I don’t need to believe my beliefs

Though I was taking my Frenemy Within seriously, I knew I didn’t have to buy everything she was selling because it wasn’t the truth. I took out a piece of paper, drew a line down the middle of it, labeled one column “truth” and the other “belief” and started fact checking myself.

We all have Frenemies Within. It’s sorta impossible to escape, BUT! There is so much you can do. And who knows, maybe you can even be friends with them one day.

Does this resonate with you? Have you tried any of my techniques? Do you have any questions or need more strategy? Please let me know in the comments.

Testify:

Your questions, comments, triumphs, heartaches, adventures, and insights. All of it is welcome here. I love featuring your art, journals, and pictures of triumph! Please send ‘em along! (Submissions lightly edited for brevity.)

A reader who knows me really well…I fully support you with showing gratitude for your teeth as they are. You can eat! You don't have pain! But if this is something that chronically bothers you, especially if it is going to cause problems down the line, do something! I don't know what your procedure will involve, but I've read Glow in the Fucking Dark and if you can do all that egg retrieval nonsense, you can do this. I'll be cheering you on. :)

-L.

A reader who sees that authentic self-care is always a form of community care… I love your body appreciation idea and I'd also add that it's so important we support one another and not pick apart other people's appearances. It's always going to be hard to be appreciative of our bodies when, like you say, society is picking us apart. The more we can raise each other up the more we can shift those norms.

-Christine L.

A Quote Getting Me Through:

Saint Dolly Parton on the reason she is fearless, took chances, and leapt into her dreams…

“What some would call a mistake is just me trying. If it works, fine. If it don’t [work], what are they going to do? Kill me? Then, if they kill me, are they going to eat me?!

You can’t really go about your life like that and be productive. That’s why I think I’ve been at it for so long.”

Touché, Dolly, Touché…what’s the worst that could happen?