How to make new friends as an adult
Plus my new fav book
Hi friends!
We’ll get to the meat of the newsletter in a second, but first…
A Little News
I know the newsletter has been a little erratic lately. For the first-ish time in three years, I’ve skipped at least one week without notice which is not typical. So I wanted to let you know that it’s because I have something very exciting going on that has pulled my focus! And I hope you can grant me a little leeway. I also hope to announce to you wtf is going on very soon - I think you’ll LOVE it. So thank you for being chill while this month is a little spotty. Speaking of which…
I Love You
In case no one has held your hand, or looked deeply into your eyes and seen you lately, I just want you to know that I love you. That sounds so cheesy and wild except - if you believe like I do (and like science does) - that we are all made of the same stardust - it is very, very, easy for me to think of you, and your glittering self and feel nothing but love and compassion for you. You are a part of me and I am a part of you - literally. Particularly in trying times, when I look at people (in a café, on the street, etc) I imagine I can see their stardust glowing out and it always makes me a more pleasant, compassionate star myself.
A Great Podcast Episode I’m On
I’m way too self-conscious to listen to podcasts I’ve been on (ew! my voice! my word choice!), BUT this week, I listened to my episode of Almost Adulting with Violet Benson aka Daddy Issues and I think it’s one of the best I’ve ever done. Violet’s questions are excellent and I’m just super loose. So if you want a little more of me this week - I highly recommend you listen! (And comment on it if you like the episode! Let’s let Violet know that I was worth having on!)
How to Make Friends as an Adult + My New Fav Book
More and more on Instagram I’ve been glowing up authors, speakers, and people who I think will help you on your path - just as they’ve helped me. And no one fits the bill as well as Liz Moody does.
I met her as a guest on her podcast supporting my first book, Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies, and we became fast friends (this is our first podcast episode together). Let me explain how our friendship came to be!
In the past three years, I would say I have made more meaningful friendships than I have since college. Part of the reason is that I put myself into situations that seem uncomfortable at first but where I think I will meet cool people. Just yesterday I went to lunch with a group of women, only one of whom I knew. They were “fancy,” and I usually feel a little scared around fancy people (Am I supposed to be here? Will they like me? Will I be able to contribute to the conversation?!) but I went anyways and what do you know - they were just people and very cool people at that. I’m already making plans with several of them.
In my experience, it’s only hard to make new friends if you are putting ZERO effort into making new friends. If you’re not going to that new class, not asking someone to lunch, or not going out of your way to meet people then - duh - yes, it’s very hard to make new friends. Even worse, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more you don’t make friends, the harder it becomes to imagine it’s even possible. But if you are getting out on the vulnerability branch? I can PROMISE you will make new friends.
ANYWAYS! When I was on Liz’z podcast the first time, I explained my formula for cultivating friendship.
List out what qualities you are looking for in a friend, be specific! EX: spirituality, someone to hike with, someone going through a similar life experience, etc
Look at who you are currently spending time with and make sure these folks embody the kind of love and support YOU need. Also: it’s okay if your needs have shifted over time - it’s only natural that we outgrow friends. And who knows! Maybe we will grow back together!
Spend less time (or no time) with the people who drag you down - don’t worry - they rarely notice.
Look at your acquaintances or people within easy reach and see if any of those people embody what you most need.
If you find someone - explicitly ask them to be friends (ex: hey, I think you’re super interesting, would you be interested in becoming better friends? would you like to go to lunch? or hop on a call?). No one has EVER said, “no” to this!
Liz actually writes about this conversation we had in her book 100 Ways to Change Your Life in the chapter “Attract Your Dream Friends (167).” And guess what - Liz used the formula ON ME! And it worked :) I am happy to call her one of my dearest.
I love her book because it gives practical, science-backed, incremental changes to help you grow your joy, your mindfulness, and your happiness amongst MANY other topics. Basically - just look at the table of contents and you’ll see it’s LOADED with great advice.
I love Liz because her mission is to give us access to USEFUL, science-based habits, to lead the lives we most want. She nailed it with this book!
Paid subscribers this weekend will be getting some exclusive thoughts from Liz as well as some journaling she thinks will change your life :)
In Conclusion
I love you an unreasonable amount, I know the world is scary right now, but I don’t take for granted that I have you and you have me. At least we have this non-toxic sliver of the internet to share!
Tara, you are a glittering beacon of love and direction in my life. You have been such an instrumental person in my healing journey. I love YOU extraordinarily, yes because you've helped me. But also because you embody the love and compassion this world needs.
I also love you an unreasonable amount!