Are you a perfectionist about not being a perfectionist?

Asking for a friend...

Hello, my darling friends!

I know we have some new folks here, both from Samantha Bee’s audience and from To Be Magnetic. And to you, I say, “Good day and welcome to this glitter bomb of a newsletter!” To my OG folks, the ones who have been with me from the beginning, I say, “Thank you for your support, your love, and for tolerating the sheer number of expletives I have dropped over the course of four years.”

A little news: If you live in Los Angeles, I would LOVE it if you joined me for a Valentine’s Day Self-Compassion Celebration on Tuesday, February 13th at 6:30 PM at Zibby’s Book Shop RSVP here. We’ll journal our way to self-compassion while having some drinks (alcoholic and non-alcoholic), eating some charcuterie, and making some new friends. Please RSVP here so I am not alone for Valentine’s Eve. Like for real, it’s going to suck if I’m alone for Valentine’s Day AND Pre-Valentine’s Day! So do it for me, why don’t ya?

On with the newsletter!

Are you a perfectionist about not being a perfectionist?

This week I want to tackle something that really haunts me: perfectionism.

I often say I’m a “recovering perfectionist,” but… That’s a lie. A beautiful, well-intentioned, bald-faced lie. I intellectually understand that perfectionism is a total illusion, that it doesn’t exist (after all, whose standards are we using to decide what’s ‘perfect’), and that I would be “better” and have more “freedom” if only I could “let go.” But how the f*ck do you “let go?” What are steps 1-4 pretty please?

Does this image feel shockingly familiar?

I think that after a childhood that was so out of my control and so terrifying, perfectionism is how I subconsciously prove to myself that I am the master of the universe. To quote Pete Walker, psychotherapist and author of Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving,   “Perfectionism…provides a sense of meaning and direction for the powerless and unsupported child. In the guise of self-control, striving to be perfect offers a simulacrum of a sense of control.” I use the hammer of perfectionism to beat myself into some shape I think I need to be in order to “succeed” (whatever that means) which is a painful, futile, process. As Anne Lamott writes in one of my favorite books of all time, Bird by Bird…

Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life… perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die.

Damn, Anne Lamott, why are you personally attacking me?!

And! And, and, and! If you’re anything like me, you BLAME yourself and feel bad about being a perfectionist. You self-flagellate because you know you’re not supposed to be a perfectionist. You’ve read all the self-help books and listened to all the podcasts that rail against perfectionism. You know it’s a bad idea! This knowledge puts you in a catch-22 situation: you endure the pain of perfectionism and THEN SUFFER EVEN MORE because you’re mad at yourself for being a perfectionist! In other words, you become a perfectionist about not being a perfectionist. How can you win under those circumstances?!

So, this week, I’m giving you journal prompts simply to UNCOVER our perfectionist selves, not to fix, not to solve, not to blame ourselves, nor feel bad but simply to notice. Because I have a feeling that noticing, without judging ourselves too critically, is step one to unlearning perfectionism.

Your prompts for the week:

If you’re trying to establish a journaling practice, I recommend you try out at least three of these prompts, on three different days this week.

1.     Psychology Today explains that “perfectionists set unrealistically high expectations for themselves and others. They are quick to find fault and overly critical of mistakes. They tend to procrastinate on a project out of their fear of failure. They shrug off compliments and forget to celebrate their success. Instead, they look to specific people in their life for approval and validation.” As you read those words, how do you feel inside? What specific feelings or beliefs about yourself come up?

2. If you find that you have some perfectionist qualities, where do you think they come from? (Here’s a hint - who do you seek validation from?)

3.     What are the signs of being a perfectionist for yourself? What triggers you? EX: I claim not to be a perfectionist, but sometimes I hear in my head, “You could have done that better.” Or, “You’re not fully living up to your potential and the opportunities in front of you.” This makes my throat constrict and triggers a thought that “I am not good enough.” These feelings and thoughts usually come up around work situations. So, what triggers you into perfectionism, and then, how does it make you feel? If we can notice when we set off the trip wire of perfectionism, we might be able to help ourselves in the future.

4.     Does your perfectionism serve you? Or do you ever worry that the amount of time you are putting into being “perfect” in one domain could be saved and spent better? If you spent less time being “perfect” what else might you do?

5.     If your best friend came up to you and explained how being a perfectionist made them feel awful, how would you comfort them? Write a pep talk you would give your bff and now give it to yourself.  

I hope this week we simply notice our perfectionism, not get mad at it! Does anyone else relate to being a perfectionist about not being a perfectionist? I’d love to know in the comments!