A Hater’s Guide to Gratitude

By Gratitude Skeptics Carissa Potter Carlson and Tara Schuster

But first, a little bit of news…

Hello and welcome to a special edition of A Little Thing That Helps and Bad At Keeping Secrets! To get us in the holiday spirit, one of my favorite artists, Carissa Potter Carlson, of People I’ve Loved is here to talk about my FAVORITE annoying subject  of all time: GRATITUDE! Not only are we writing about gratitude, we want to TALK TO YOU about gratitude. Please join us for a very special fire-side chat where we’ll talk about the complicated nature of developing a gratitude practice with time to design some time to make it part of your daily routine.

You can RSVP Here. And now, two haters talk about how gratitude practices actually help them feel the feels they want to feel.

Gratitude By Tara:

The first time someone suggested I start a gratitude practice, I suggested they shut the f*ck up.

I was having a panic attack and my friend who was a Harvard graduate, professional-ballerina-turned-lawyer with a loving family and financial security suggested I use “a gratitude practice” to feel better. Her words stung me like a white-gloved slap in the face. You see, I had grown up in a neglectful, psychological abuse household, I was hopelessly addicted to weed at the time, and most importantly, I was having a very bad hair day. But, I decided to try her stupid, privileged gratitude practice because I knew it wouldn’t work, and when it didn’t, which it wouldn’t, I could flaunt this fact in front of my well-meaning friend’s face. I am a very good person and not spiteful at all. 

Unfortunately for my pride and ego, my gratitude practice was immediately helpful. I started with all the little things I was grateful for: 1. Espresso 2. Clean Sheets 3. My health. WAIT? MY HEALTH?! I realized I had been taking my HEALTH and other major life categories for granted. 

I have now journaled ten things I am grateful for, almost every single day, for almost fifteen years.  I have found about 54, 750 things for which to be grateful. That sheer volume and repetition has trained my brain to see reality. Because that’s really what a gratitude practice is about - realizing that a myopic sliver of your life where things are not going right does not define you. And to be clear - I am not a Harvard-ballerina-lawyer-person. I have so many things to grieve for; an abusive mom whom I haven’t talked to for fifteen years; never having a childhood; having binge watched 6 seasons of the Sopranos and now there are no more episodes left - what am I to do with my time?! AND AT THE VERY SAME TIME: I’m thrilled that my mom’s bad example set me down a path where I really care and engage with other people; I am making up for lost time by playing as an adult; I don’t know wtf I’m going to do about the Sopranos. 

As for me? I’m grateful to Carissa and this community. Her art is so soulful and adds so much to my own life and I’m grateful that I get to be with all of you now.

I hope I have cursed you with gratitude, even a little.  

Gratitude By Carissa: 

In 2020, a co-worker at People I’ve Loved suggested making a gratitude journal. I resisted. Coaxing out one emotion felt inauthentic, especially amid the lifelong pressure of positivity. I’ve always leaned into emotions - good, bad, ugly - because altering them feels unnatural and dishonest.

Humans make sense of life through contrast - good and bad, beautiful and ugly. This diversity gives life its meaning and depth. But even understanding that, I often prepare for the worst, especially when it comes to my daughter M, who has Cystic Fibrosis. Planning a trip to Germany in May was no different. M requires 30 pills daily, medical equipment, and constant vigilance to avoid exposure to illness. Before her, I thought colds built resilience; for her, every illness chips away at her ability to fight back.

As our trip neared, I couldn’t stop imagining worst-case scenarios. I dreamed of foreign hospital stays, unable to communicate, trapped far from home. For the first four days, though, things went smoothly. I even started to believe we could live abroad someday or visit friends in Italy. But on day five, M couldn’t keep down her tube feeds. By day six, she was unresponsive, alternating between sleeping and vomiting.

Deciding when to act - hospital or wait - is a constant challenge. My therapist often reminds me: when does worrying stop you from living your life? This time, we had no choice. We upset a boat full of Germans to reach a tiny dock in Wessen, population size: minuscule. Miraculously, the town had a hospital. Even more incredibly, its pediatric director was a former CF specialist from Berlin.

The six-day stay was a mix of horror and luck. I carried M, often limp in my arms, through endless motions, feeling like a zombie. On the first night, as machines cleared the blockage in her intestines, I turned 41. The hospital staff brought us bread, baloney, and Nutella, which somehow felt like a feast.

That night, I spiraled into thoughts of luck and gratitude. CF is awful. Watching M suffer is heartbreaking. And yet, she exists. That’s luck I wouldn’t trade. Now, most nights, I practice gratitude. I watch her sleep, her wheezy breaths persistent, and think of all the things that had to go right for her to be here. Somehow, it always makes me feel better.

What Does Gratitude Mean to You?

We both went from cynic to true believer, hater to lover of gratitude, and we have a few prompts we think might help you. 

• List 5 people you are grateful for. Describe how they have positively impacted your life and how they make you feel. BONUS POINTS: read these five people your letter! Research shows you will be doing your loved one a huge psychological favor. 

• Think of a time things really did not go your way but look for the benefits that it brought you, even grudgingly. Recognize that even with profound loss, you decide the meaning you make.

• Write about a time where you thought, “Things are not going to get better,” but did. Write about how far you’ve come.

Love, 

Carissa and Tara