Your mistakes are the least of your problems
What if I told you I don't even believe in mistakes?
Last week I was asked on Instagram:
“What do you do when you keep making the same mistakes over and over in a cycle? How do you get out of that?”
GREAT QUESTION! It inspired me to take on a topic that makes our collective hearts race and our palms sweat—mistakes. Yep, those pesky little moments when life goes, "Ahh, precious human. You think you have a plan? Bahahaha. Nope, not today!"
So here are some little things that help deal with “mistakes…”
First off, let's nix the word "mistake."
What even is a mistake? As you know, from YOUR OWN LIFE EXPERIENCE, many of our supposed “mistakes” end up being helpful in SOME - even if twisted - way.
If we have to use a term for “mistakes,” however, I prefer "glorious blunder"—it sounds like something you'd do with flair, maybe while wearing a feather boa. Thinking of myself BOUNDING through mistakes, super-hero style, adds levity when I need it the most.
Mistakes are not a sign that you're failing at life. They're proof you're living it! They’re the plot twists in the rom-com of your existence. At the time of a “mistake” (again, don’t love that word) we might want to climb into the tiniest of walnut shells, never to be heard from again…But in the long run, mistakes are just about the only times we learn. I mean…when did you really learn a life lesson from something that was going handy-dandy-well? (Please don’t be a show-off it was. That was rhetorical question.)
I mean this for “mistakes” big and small.
Remember that time I sent an email meant for my bestie to my entire mailing list and felt like a moron who would quickly lose all her subscribers? Yeah, me neither. Remember that time when I didn’t spend enough time with a family member while they were alive and well and now I’m afraid I won’t have enough time with her, period? Yeah, I totally remember this because I’m living it and GOD DAMN am I going to let this lesson calcify in my bones NOW.
You need mistakes to grow. End of story.
“But what about the mistakes I make over and over again?”
So glad you asked! Remember: mistakes unite us all in the absurdity of being human. WE ALL can and do get lost in cycles of making the same damn mistake over and over again. The key is not to wallow in self-criticism. Instead - FEEL THE PAIN! Feel the harm you do yourself when you fall. Don’t numb it, ignore it, or pretend it doesn’t hurt as bad as it does. I can kind of promise that if you pay enough attention to the harm you cause to yourself, a day will come when you are no longer willing to injure yourself any longer. Like a child touching a flame, eventually the pain will get so bad, and you’ll feel so burned, that you’ll make a new choice. So there’s that happy thought.
But! I’d like to save you some time. So something you can ask yourself is,“What benefit am I getting from this cycle?” For example, if I you keep dating people who are unavailable, you might find that the benefit you get is feeling a surface level connection while never having to risk being intimate (def. not calling myself out on this one). THEN, once you have this answer you can address the root cause - “why am I afraid to get close to someone?” Living the answer to that question will be your salvation and the way out of your cycle.
And if all else fails…
Mistakes make our stories worth telling. How boring would your life be if it was just linear and everything went “fine.” Do you want a “fine” life? I don’t think you do! I think you want a rich, complex, beautiful, messy, GLORIOUS, blundering, sometimes easy, sometimes hard but the good hard, life. And you can’t get that without a few bumps in the road. So, the next time you find yourself in the middle of a glorious blunder, take a deep breath, and remember: this is just a plot twist, not the end of the story.
What do you think of my take on mistakes? I honestly used to BEAT MYSELF THE F*CK UP for mistakes and have arrived at this totally different place where my gut reaction is, “what can I learn?” Not, “why did I mess up?” Where are you on that journey? Or, did I get this wrong? Truly, really, let’s talk it out.
Until next time, keep blundering beautifully!
I LOVE the idea of reframing mistakes as "glorious blunders" and can't wait to suggest it to friends. I've made so, so many "mistakes" in my life, and at 53-yo I'm just now recognizing the growth, healing, & wisdom I've gained as a result. (A few were such doozies, though -- gotta really think on those...)
Tara, thank you you for sharing so much about yourself with us -- knowing more about your personal journey has been so helpful to me. Huge kudos for doing what you love and helping so many people at the same time! Hugs, Ali